Letter From Heaven

Letter from Heaven

By

Connie Goulding

Sometimes in this life we become focused on the mundane, everyday problems of life. We look at our feet and get caught up with mortal and worldly cares. One moment ticks after another as we work out our earthly probation.

It was just that sort of day for me in May of 2012. It was Memorial Day, a Sunday afternoon and my husband Roger and I were spending a quiet afternoon at home. Earlier we had attended church and on our way home we drove by the cemetery to pick up the pots of chrysanthemums from our son Andy's grave. I wanted to plant them in my garden. They would just die if I left them at the cemetery.

When I sat down at the computer as I do sometimes on Sunday afternoons, Andy was on my mind. Eight year-old Andy died in an automobile/pedestrian accident a week before Memorial Day twenty-six years ago.

When I turned on the computer there was a document on the screen. I didn't remember writing it until I read it. I was really surprised that I had saved it. Most of the time I discard personal notes that I write to people. It was a letter that I wrote two years previously to a young mother who was struggling with the accidental death of her two year-old son.

As I sat there reading the letter I felt a tingling, glowing peace come over me. It was as if the letter had been written just for me. It came like an echo from my Heavenly Father. A message from Heaven telling me, “ I have not forgotten you. I still know where you are and of the things you struggle with. I love you and someday all will be made right.”

I don't know how the letter came to be on the screen of my computer that day or how it found its way from the depths of an unorganized filing system. The symbolism is not lost to me that the letter appeared on Memorial Day so close to the anniversary of my son's death and in the moment that my heart was aching for him. I feel that this letter is truly a letter from Heaven. I know that at times the veil is very thin between this world and the world to come. I know that sometimes my sweet son stands next to me and is still involved in the lives of the people who loved him while he was here on this earth.

I am truly grateful that my Father in Heaven shows His tender mercies to me. He lets me know that my son is still close by and he brought this letter back around to me.

Here is that letter:

Dear Jana,

I'm truly glad that I met you. I wish that I could lift the burden of your pain.

I know the struggle it is some days just to stay here and not follow after your little boy. But then the choice is leaving the others that you love.

I know how it is to hate to go to sleep at night because your mind won't rest and you might dream. And how each day the shock of waking up to face the reality that he's gone and to wish that it was a dream.

I know how hard it is to keep it all together and not break into a million pieces as you smile and to put on a face for those around you so they won't feel sorry for you or think you can't handle life, when on the inside you feel like a crazy person who can't quit screaming.

I know how it is to feel like you're out of step with the world, and you wonder how those around you continue their lives as if nothing has happened and for you the world has stopped.

I know how it seems that the whole world is dim and the sun isn't as bright as it once was.

I know how weary you get because your mind will not quit replaying every detail of the accident over and over and over.

I know of the very real pain of a broken heart. I didn't know that it was a real physical pain and heart ache. When my little boy died my chest felt like there was a big black hole where my heart had been jerked out and there was just an empty gaping hole left behind.

I know how your arms ache to hold him and how you wish that you could smell the scent of his hair and feel his warmth and hear his little voice. And I know how you feel raw like an open wound and that it takes all of your willpower just to stand up everyday.

I want to tell you that it gets better. The awful memories will fade and not be as vivid. Someday you'll be able to smile when you think of him and you'll mostly remember the sweet and the funny things that he did or said. The grief will come in waves, but that will lessen over time, until one day other joys will come into your life and you may not think of him for a few moments. Don't feel guilty about that, it just means that you are healing. He still knows that you love him, and he'll still be close to you and involved in your life. I know that he will be there for the important things that happen in your family's life. I know that because it has happened to me and to my family.

Be kind to yourself. I know that you want to be perfect so that you can be with him again. And you'll want everyone around you to be perfect too. Because you love them all so much and can't bear the thought of losing even one more of your family to death or to a spiritual falling away, but be patient. Like I said, be kind to yourself.

The Lord knows where you're at ever if sometimes you think He has lost you and can't hear your prayers anymore. He loves you and He does answer your prayers. Sometimes it just takes so much longer than you want to wait. I used to pray that the Savior would come right now. I spent a lot of time wishing my life away because I missed my little boy so much. So be patient with yourself and with others, this life is a work mission not a pleasure cruise. All these things give us experience (NOT THAT I WOULD HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THIS CLASS). (But wait, here I am, I must have signed up, I just didn't know that it would be this hard).

In looking back on this experience I have learned that it was through this pain that I came to know the Savior. It was while I was on my knees that I met Him. And I am so grateful for that. I have come to trust him with the precious little boy that I love so much. I know that He loves my son like I do.

Just know that it gets better, lean on the ones who love you, be kind to yourself, and be patient. Mourn at your own speed, it's alright to do it your way. Ask for help when you need it.

There are so many people who love you, but many people don't know how to talk about your son and his death with you. Or if they even should. They don't want to add to your pain. They don't know that the only way to add to the pain is to go out of their way to be mean. Most people don't do that, they just don't know what to say. In that case I bring up something about my little boy first. I just couldn't stand to never speak about him again as if he never existed.

Look up the stages of grieving. Some of the stages you go through fairly fast and some of them you go through more than once and some of them may come a lot later. The one thing I told myself I would not do, is to become angry.

I was able to forgive the man who hit my son with his car. I felt so sorry for him. I wouldn't have wanted to be him, to take someones child away from them.

But I did get angry, I got angry with God, not right away but years later. Not so much that my son died; but because it changed our lives so much. It changed who we would have been. It changed my children's lives. They struggled with the loss of their brother. Some of them are still struggling.

Be forgiving of yourself and others. Heavenly Father knows about our struggles and that we are trying to find our way back to Him. He knows that we might become angry or struggle with forgiveness and about all of the other things that we struggle with. He knows that we are Human. That is why he sent his Son. He loves us.

Talk to your friends. Find others who understand. Sometimes the very best therapy is to wrap your arms around others who are dealing with the loss of loved ones. Grief is like going to a far-away country, it's hard to explain it to others who haven't been there. When you find some one else who has been there you can talk to them as much or as little about it as you want to and know that they understand. That can be a great comfort to you.

When my husband and I hear about someone who has lost a child we ask ourselves, “How can they do it? How can they even stand up after such a loss?” Then we say, “we did it,” and we know that we could not have done it with out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. Heavenly Father loves us and He has plans for us to be together again with our loved ones.

I am no longer angry at God. I made the choice to trust Heavenly Father with my son and with my life. It took time, and sometimes it wasn't easy. I still work on things, (I'm still human). I want the Savior to know me when he sees me. I want to be with my son and all of my family forever.

I know this is a long letter. I just wish that I could make things easier for you. Please call me when you are having a bad day. I've been to that far country. I know what it looks like and I know you'll get through it and things will get better. They really will.

Love,

Connie

(Fellow traveler

in a strange land)

conniestories.blogspot.com

Letter to Jana

Dear Jana,

I'm truly glad that I met you. I wish that I could lift the burden of your pain.

I know the struggle it is some days just to stay here and not follow after your little boy. But then the choice is leaving the others that you love.

I know how it is to hate to go to sleep at night because your mind won't rest and you might dream. And how each day the shock of waking up to face the reality that he's gone and to wish that it was a dream.

I know how hard it is to keep it all together and not break into a million pieces as you smile and to put on a face for those around you so they won't feel sorry for you or think you can't handle life, when on the inside you feel like a crazy person who can't quit screaming.

I know how it is to feel like you're out of step with the world, and you wonder how those around you continue their lives as if nothing has happened and for you the world has stopped.

I know how it seems that the whole world is dim and the sun isn't as bright as it once was.

I know how weary you get because your mind will not quit replaying every detail of the accident over and over and over.

I know of the very real pain of a broken heart. I didn't know that it was a real physical pain and heart ache. When my little boy died my chest felt like there was a big black hole where my heart had been jerked out and there was just an empty gaping hole left behind.

I know how your arms ache to hold him and how you wish that you could smell the scent of his hair and feel his warmth and hear his little voice. And I know how you feel raw like an open wound and that it takes all of your willpower just to stand up everyday.

I want to tell you that it gets better. The awful memories will fade and not be as vivid. Someday you'll be able to smile when you think of him and you'll mostly remember the sweet and the funny things that he did or said. The grief will come in waves, but that will lessen over time, until one day other joys will come into your life and you may not think of him for a few moments. Don't feel guilty about that, it just means that you are healing. He still knows that you love him, and he'll still be close to you and involved in your life. I know that he will be there for the important things that happen in your family's life. I know that because it has happened to me and to my family.

Be kind to yourself. I know that you want to be perfect so that you can be with him again. And you'll want everyone around you to be perfect too. Because you love them all so much and can't bear the thought of losing even one more of your family to death or to a spiritual falling away, but be patient. Like I said, be kind to yourself.

The Lord knows where you're at ever if sometimes you think He has lost you and can't hear your prayers anymore. He loves you and He does answer your prayers. Sometimes it just takes so much longer than you want to wait. I used to pray that the Savior would come right now. I spent a lot of time wishing my life away because I missed my little boy so much. So be patient with yourself and with others, this life is a work mission not a pleasure cruise. All these things give us experience (NOT THAT I WOULD HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THIS CLASS). (But wait, here I am, I must have signed up, I just didn't know that it would be this hard).

In looking back on this experience I have learned that it was through this pain that I came to know the Savior. It was while I was on my knees that I met Him. And I am so grateful for that. I have come to trust him with the precious little boy that I love so much. I know that He loves my son like I do.

Just know that it gets better, lean on the ones who love you, be kind to yourself, and be patient. Mourn at your own speed, it's alright to do it your way. Ask for help when you need it. 
 

There are so many people who love you, but many people don't know how to talk about your son and his death with you. Or if they even should. They don't want to add to your pain. They don't know that the only way to add to the pain is to go out of their way to be mean. Most people don't do that, they just don't know what to say. In that case I bring up something about my little boy first. I just couldn't stand to never speak about him again as if he never existed.

Look up the stages of grieving. Some of the stages you go through fairly fast and some of them you go through more than once and some of them may come a lot later. The one thing I told myself I would not do, is to become angry. 
 

I was able to forgive the man who hit my son with his car. I felt so sorry for him. I wouldn't have wanted to be him, to take someones child away from them. 
 

But I did get angry, I got angry with God, not right away but years later. Not so much that my son died; but because it changed our lives so much. It changed who we would have been. It changed my children's lives. They struggled with the loss of their brother. Some of them are still struggling. 
 

Be forgiving of yourself and others. Heavenly Father knows about our struggles and that we are trying to find our way back to Him. He knows that we might become angry or struggle with forgiveness and about all of the other things that we struggle with. He knows that we are Human. That is why he sent his Son. He loves us.

Talk to your friends. Find others who understand. Sometimes the very best therapy is to wrap your arms around others who are dealing with the loss of loved ones. Grief is like going to a far-away country, it's hard to explain it to others who haven't been there. When you find some one else who has been there you can talk to them as much or as little about it as you want to and know that they understand. That can be a great comfort to you.

When my husband and I hear about someone who has lost a child we ask ourselves, “How can they do it? How can they even stand up after such a loss?” Then we say, “we did it,” and we know that we could not have done it with out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. Heavenly Father loves us and He has plans for us to be together again with our loved ones.

I am no longer angry at God. I made the choice to trust Heavenly Father with my son and with my life. It took time, and sometimes it wasn't easy. I still work on things, (I'm still human). I want the Savior to know me when he sees me. I want to be with my son and all of my family forever.

I know this is a long letter. I just wish that I could make things easier for you. Please call me when you are having a bad day. I've been to that far country. I know what it looks like and I know you'll get through it and things will get better. They really will.

Love,

Connie

(Fellow traveler

in a strange land)

A Parable

A Parable

by

Connie Goulding

August 5^th, 2010, thirty-three Chilean miners, 2,300 ft. deep inside the earth, were trapped by a massive cave-in when the rock inside the mine where they were working, collapsed. They were restricted to a 500 ft. safe area and to the mine shafts below the collapse. It was hot, humid, dark and uncomfortable.

They were dead men walking, and unless they were rescued they were doomed to live for only as long as the small supply of emergency food, water and their personal stamina would last. Although they had tools and knowledge, they had no power to save themselves. The task of freeing themselves was too overwhelming.

How alone they must have felt as they listened for any sign of a rescue, only to hear the groaning of the earth as it settled in upon itself. They were separated from home and family by almost a half a mile of unmovable rock overhead. Their hope of ascending the three and a half miles through the twisting mine shaft, the same route that they had descended, became impossible after the massive rock fall.

When faced with the stark reality of their situation they chose to have hope. They organized themselves, rationed their food and water and waited. They had faith that those on the surface were working, doing what they could to rescue them. Still there must have been times when it became hard to hold onto that hope as day after day passed. Days passed and then weeks. Finally days after their food ran out, on the seventeenth day of their captivity, hope was renewed when a small shaft was created as a drill bit broke through from the surface.

The trapped men, wanting the rescuers on the surface to know they had been found, pounded on the drill bit, hoping that those working on their rescue would hear their tapping. To be sure that those on the surface knew that they had been found alive they fastened a note written in red marker to the end of the bit. It read “ESTAMOS BIEN EN EL REFUGIO, los 33”, “We are well in the shelter, the 33.”

Through a small hole, the circumference of a grapefruit, communication was established with the world on the surface. Communications via the shaft became known as “Palomas,” or being interpreted “Doves”, because, along with the food, water, and medicine sent down the shaft to the miners, notes from loved ones were carefully carried, as if on the wings of a dove, through the shaft to the trapped miners below and back to their families on the surface.

It must have been with mixed feelings that the miners faced the reality of their situation. On one hand there was overwhelming joy and relief that they had been found, but on the other hand the enormity of their dilemma must have been daunting. Even though those on the surface knew where they were, it would take time to put a rescue plan into place and it was unknown if the plan would even work.

Never before had a rescue of this depth, for this many men, after this length of time been successful. The rescuers reluctantly informed the miners that it would be months before they could be brought to the surface. The rescuers hoped to have the miners back with their families by Christmas. The miners faced an entombment of an additional 4 months.

In many ways the story of our lives mirrors that of the trapped miners. We have descended below our home, away from our Father in Heaven. We, like them, are dead men walking, trapped in our mortality, lost with no way to save ourselves.

In this life there are times when we all suffer. We have a short ranged view of our existence and many times we feel that we sit in the darkness unable to see beyond our own pain. We feel a loneliness and a longing for a better place and have an underlying feeling that there should be more to our existence and that this is not our home. Many times we feel alone and wonder if anyone knows of our pain or cares.

There are among us, many who through the consequences of their own choices have lost many of the liberties that our Heavenly Father planned for us to enjoy in this life. Many are in bondage to addictions of their physical bodies or to errors of thinking or both. Some of us are in sad circumstances not only because of the choices we have made but, also because of the choices of others. Many of us were directed on wrong paths by those who should have loved us and provided us with better. Some are lost because of pride and self-centeredness, and an inability to empathize with others. Some have given up hope and some just don't want to be told what to do.

Early in their captivity the miners organized themselves and divided into teams with three men in each. They were to watch over and help one another with physical, mental and spiritual challenges. That was one of the secrets of their being able to survive as long and as well as they did. They truly became their brothers' keepers.

We, like the miners, are in this existence together, trying to figure out the best way to live our lives. How much better off would we be if we loved others as we love ourselves and they loved us?

In the miners' case, as in ours, there were several plans of rescue put forth, but for them, there was only one plan where the drill stayed true and did not veer off course or come to a halt because it was not up the the task. One drill followed a straight path, through one of the small pilot holes that had been drilled previously to locate the miners.

The miners were not passive in their rescue. As the drill rotated and pounded its way to their rescue, rock fell down the smaller shaft and heaped up into a rubble pile in the cavern where the miners were trapped. The miners worked to move the rock as it came down, clearing the way for the larger drill. They worked around the clock, in hot and uncomfortable conditions. They worked being hungry. They helped one another. They had hope, and they endured.

Everyone born into this life faces the same impossible dilemma, with our first breath we start the journey to our death. Our mortality stands between us and our immortal home. We have no way to save ourselves or one another.

For the Chilean miners, rescuers built a capsule to be lowered down the narrow shaft using cables. The rescue capsule was cylindrical and narrow, just 24 inches in circumference, barely big enough for a man to fit inside. The capsule was only 4 inches narrower than the shaft that was driven through 2,300 ft. of solid rock.

Deep in the mine the miners waited for their salvation, while on the surface rescuers worked out details of the rescue plan. Before a single miner was brought to the surface several of the rescuers descended down the narrow shaft. They volunteered to minister to the trapped miners, to check their physical and mental well being and to prove that the rescue capsule would work. 
 

Through our Heavenly Father's love for us, the world has been blessed by the ministering of angels. Angels who have chosen to aid us in our journey back to our Heavenly home. Many in the depths of their trials have been touched personally by angels who have chosen to be their guardians and history is filled with examples of angelic visits that have enlightened mankind and pointed us back to our Heavenly Father who loves us.

When the time came for the miners to be raised from the depths of their captivity each man was faced with the choice to believe that the plan for their rescue would succeed. One man at a time stepped into the capsule; each to make the ascent alone. As each man put his trust in the plan, he had hope that the capsule would be drawn up the narrow shaft in a true and straight ascent and not become off balance and get stuck. If the capsule were to become stuck in the shaft, it would crush their hope of a rescue and condemn the miner and those yet to followed to the dark depths of the Earth. The plan had to work or all hope was lost.

Before this world was created a plan was put into motion to rescue us. For us a Savior was provided. A Savior chosen to save us from our mortality, from all the sadness, pain, errors in thinking, sin, illness and death that we would suffer in this life, to bring us back to our home and to our Father in Heaven.

Just as with the miners, our rescue is an individual and personal rescue. Though salvation is available to everyone our relationship with the Savior is an intimate and personal one. For us there is only one plan of rescue, that is in and through the atoning sacrifice of the Savior Jesus Christ. He descended below all things to rescue us.

He took upon himself our pains, our illnesses, our sins and our mortality. He is the giver of hope and of life. He paved the way for us to return to our home with our Heavenly Father, to be united with the loved ones who have gone on before us. He stands beside us to take the weight of the burdens that we carry, to dry our tears and to bring us peace. He came to bring us home.

The fabric that runs through all of our lives in this existence is agency, the power to choose for ourselves, to act and not to be acted upon. Even in the depth of the earth the trapped miners had the choice to trust in the plan for their rescue or to wander into the dark regions of the mine looking for another way out.

As each miner stepped into the capsule and closed the door he gave his will over to the rescue plan and to the rescuers on the surface. He became one with the plan and trusted in salvation. This surrender of will is what is required for us in our salvation. We must surrender our will for trust in our Savior Jesus Christ.

Because of the eternal sanctity of man's agency upon which this mortal life was founded, the Savior cannot take from us our will. We are free to choose. The Savior stands beside us waiting to heal our wounds and to lift us into Eternal Salvation, but He can only do that with our invitation.

For me, that time came when I was on my knees in the depths of grief. Like the miners as they stepped inside of the capsule, I was at a pivotal point, should I stay with the things that I knew and try to overcome my challenges with my own strength and knowledge or should I reach out to my Heavenly Father and ask for help?

How could someone as great as God care about me and why should I lay my burdens upon the Savior when there was already so much suffering in the world? I should just bite my tongue, stand up straight and get over it. But like the miners, trapped by the unmovable rock that held them captive, I could not lift the burden of my grief.

Before my eyes, my beautiful, funny, full of life eight year old son was killed in an automobile/pedestrian accident. I held his body as his blood spilled out on the roadway and his spirit slipped away and returned to his Heavenly home. I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to let him stay, but that wasn't in my son's life plan.

I was lost in the dark, overwhelmed with the burden of my grief. I was so weary, unable to rest as the problem of mortality was always before my eyes. I came to know that a broken heart is a true physical feeling. Where once I had a heart there was now only a dark hole that was raw and painful.

It was under this burden that I bent to ask my Heavenly Father for his help and it was there that I met the Savior. 

As I appealed to my Father in Heaven, I told Him how weary I was and asked Him to please lift the burden of my grief. Before I could again stand on my feet the weight of my sorrows was lifted from off of my shoulders. I still had to work through the pain and loss, but the unbearable weight was gone.

It was there that I came to know that the Savior stands by our side waiting to lift our burdens. Waiting only for us to ask Him, waiting for us to lay our burdens upon His shoulders, waiting for us to put our hand in His.

We like the miners, as they pulled the door closed behind them and became one with the rescue capsule, must become one with our Savior and surrender our will to His and trust in His rescue plan for us.

One by one the miners made their solitary ascent up the narrow shaft from the darkness and into the light. They were greeted by their loved ones as the whole world watched and cheered. The rescue plan had succeeded; not one man had been lost. They were redeemed on Oct. 14, 2010, sixty-nine days after the mine collapse, fifty-two days after they had been found alive.

It is my hope that when I make that solitary journey from this life into the next, I will do it in the arms of my Savior. When I arrive in my Heavenly home what joy there will be as I am reunited with those who have made the journey before me. In the meantime I know that my Savior lives and loves me and that He stands beside me.

conniestories.blogspot.com