Dear
Jana,
I'm
truly glad that I met you. I wish that I could lift the burden of
your pain.
I
know the struggle it is some days just to stay here and not follow
after your little boy. But then the choice is leaving the others that
you love.
I
know how it is to hate to go to sleep at night because your mind
won't rest and you might dream. And how each day the shock of waking
up to face the reality that he's gone and to wish that it was a
dream.
I
know how hard it is to keep it all together and not break into a
million pieces as you smile and to put on a face for those around you
so they won't feel sorry for you or think you can't handle life, when
on the inside you feel like a crazy person who can't quit screaming.
I
know how it is to feel like you're out of step with the world, and
you wonder how those around you continue their lives as if nothing
has happened and for you the world has stopped.
I
know how it seems that the whole world is dim and the sun isn't as
bright as it once was.
I
know how weary you get because your mind will not quit replaying
every detail of the accident over and over and over.
I
know of the very real pain of a broken heart. I didn't know that it
was a real physical pain and heart ache. When my little boy died my
chest felt like there was a big black hole where my heart had been
jerked out and there was just an empty gaping hole left behind.
I
know how your arms ache to hold him and how you wish that you could
smell the scent of his hair and feel his warmth and hear his little
voice. And I know how you feel raw like an open wound and that it takes all
of your willpower just to stand up everyday.
I
want to tell you that it gets better. The awful memories will fade
and not be as vivid. Someday you'll be able to smile when you think
of him and you'll mostly remember the sweet and the funny things that
he did or said. The grief will come in waves, but that will lessen
over time, until one day other joys will come into your life and you
may not think of him for a few moments. Don't feel guilty about that,
it just means that you are healing. He still knows that you love him,
and he'll still be close to you and involved in your life. I know
that he will be there for the important things that happen in your
family's life. I know that because it has happened to me and to my
family.
Be
kind to yourself. I know that you want to be perfect so that you can
be with him again. And you'll want everyone around you to be perfect
too. Because you love them all so much and can't bear the thought of
losing even one more of your family to death or to a spiritual
falling away, but be patient. Like I said, be kind to yourself.
The
Lord knows where you're at ever if sometimes you think He has lost
you and can't hear your prayers anymore. He loves you and He does
answer your prayers. Sometimes it just takes so much longer than you
want to wait. I used to pray that the Savior would come right now. I
spent a lot of time wishing my life away because I missed my little
boy so much. So be patient with yourself and with others, this life
is a work mission not a pleasure cruise. All these things give us
experience (NOT THAT I WOULD HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THIS CLASS). (But
wait, here I am, I must have signed up, I just didn't know that it
would be this hard).
In
looking back on this experience I have learned that it was through
this pain that I came to know the Savior. It was while I was on my
knees that I met Him. And I am so grateful for that. I have come to
trust him with the precious little boy that I love so much. I know
that He loves my son like I do.
Just
know that it gets better, lean on the ones who love you, be kind to
yourself, and be patient. Mourn at your own speed, it's alright to do
it your way. Ask for help when you need it.
There
are so many people who love you, but many people don't know how to
talk about your son and his death with you. Or if they even should.
They don't want to add to your pain. They don't know that the only
way to add to the pain is to go out of their way to be mean. Most
people don't do that, they just don't know what to say. In that case
I bring up something about my little boy first. I just couldn't stand
to never speak about him again as if he never existed.
Look
up the stages of grieving. Some of the stages you go through fairly
fast and some of them you go through more than once and some of them
may come a lot later. The one thing I told myself I would not do, is
to become angry.
I
was able to forgive the man who hit my son with his car. I felt so
sorry for him. I wouldn't have wanted to be him, to take someones
child away from them.
But
I did get angry, I got angry with God, not right away but years
later. Not so much that my son died; but because it changed our lives
so much. It changed who we would have been. It changed my children's
lives. They struggled with the loss of their brother. Some of them
are still struggling.
Be
forgiving of yourself and others. Heavenly Father knows about our
struggles and that we are trying to find our way back to Him. He
knows that we might become angry or struggle with forgiveness and
about all of the other things that we struggle with. He knows that we
are Human. That is why he sent his Son. He loves us.
Talk to your friends. Find others who understand. Sometimes the very best therapy is to wrap your arms around others who are dealing with the loss of loved ones. Grief is like going to a far-away country, it's hard to explain it to others who haven't been there. When you find some one else who has been there you can talk to them as much or as little about it as you want to and know that they understand. That can be a great comfort to you.
When my husband and I hear about someone who has lost a child we ask ourselves, “How can they do it? How can they even stand up after such a loss?” Then we say, “we did it,” and we know that we could not have done it with out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. Heavenly Father loves us and He has plans for us to be together again with our loved ones.
I am no longer angry at God. I made the choice to trust Heavenly Father with my son and with my life. It took time, and sometimes it wasn't easy. I still work on things, (I'm still human). I want the Savior to know me when he sees me. I want to be with my son and all of my family forever.
I know this is a long letter. I just wish that I could make things easier for you. Please call me when you are having a bad day. I've been to that far country. I know what it looks like and I know you'll get through it and things will get better. They really will.
Love,
Connie
(Fellow traveler
in
a strange land)
