Reaching Through The Cracks
I awoke with a start. My chest was tight and my heart was racing. I struggled to catch my breath. I felt as if there was a great weight on my chest and as if I was drowning. As I looked around trying to gain my bearings, I realized I was safe in my warm bed, the morning light was just filtering in through my bedroom window.
Yet in the quiet of the morning my heart was pounding as if it would soon burst out of my chest, and I was filled with a dark feeling of impending doom. On my lips was the desperate cry for someone to help me. Then to my mind, the dream came rushing back.
In the dream I was walking through a large spacious room. The floor was covered with beautiful dark planks of wood. It was spotless and glowed with a dustless shine. To my left the walls were covered with a rich dark wood paneling. The room was so large that I didn't notice or couldn't see the far wall to my right. The room though large and richly appointed, seemed dim and partially in shadow, but I didn't think of that as being out of the ordinary.
In my dream I was walking carrying my youngest granddaughter, Haley in my arms. Haley and I were ahead of the rest of our family who were following us. Haley is a year and a half old and just learning to talk. I was pointing out many things in the room to her and saying the names to see if she would repeat them.
As we walked along we rounded a corner and walked into a room with beautiful cabinets along the walls. The cabinets reached from floor to ceiling. The cabinets on the bottom had dark wood doors with silver pulls. The doors on the top were of shinning glass trimmed in silver with silver nobs. Behind the glass were many beautiful things.
One of the things that stood out to me, behind one of the glass doors, was a beautiful blue dress, just Haley's size. As I looked at the dress and the many other wonderful things behind the glass the thought came to me that Melissa, Haley's mother, might feel left out if I continued to show all these things to baby Haley. The dress would be perfect for Christmas and by showing Haley these things I might be spoiling her Christmas surprise.
I paused and turned, intending to return to my family who were following us a short distance behind. Without warning, a young boy ran past me and through a door in a glass wall. The glass wall extended from the corner of the room with the cabinets and into the large room adjoining it, across the large room to the far wall that I couldn't quite make out because it was so far away.
Somehow instinctively I knew that the glass wall was a barrier and that I should not go past it. I opened the door and called for the little boy to come back. He continued into a brightly lit area and through another door in yet another glass wall. There seemed to be one glass wall after another separating the dark room where I was from the bright glowing space that the little boy had entered.
I continued to call after him to come back. But he never looked back. He seemed intent on making his way to some people in the distance who were dressed in white. They seemed to be involved in some kind of work but they looked up and greeted him as he came near.
Not knowing what to do and being unable to call the little boy back or to bring myself to cross the threshold into the brightly lit space, I turned and Haley and I proceeded to return to our family.
As I retraced my steps I met a man that I knew to be the grandfather of the little boy. He was looking for the little boy so I showed him where he had gone.
I didn't know if the grandfather followed the little boy or not, but he didn't seemed to be worried about him. I had the impression that the little boy was with his family who loved him and had been waiting for him.
I continued to make my way back to where my family was. On the way I came to a place that was narrow and I had to step around a great marble pillar. One of many that were holding up the ceiling. Directly in my path there was a great hole in the wood flooring. It was as if a pool had been cut into the floor, filled level to the floor with water and then clear glass laid over it.
I stood at the edge trying to decide if the glass had been designed to walk on. I could see air bubbles under the glass, but I couldn't tell if the glass would bear my weight if I walked on it, or if the glass was attached at the sides to the floor and was stable. Through the glass I could dimly see the bottom of the pool. It was very deep.
Being nervous about the depth of the pool and not wanting to take any chances with baby Haley, I stepped carefully around the pool and went to sit on a nearby bench.
Sitting on the bench playing with Haley, I noticed that my family were seated across the room at a table on the far side of the pool. I smiled and waved to them but I felt content to sit on the bench and play with Haley.
As we sat there I could hear the sound of running feet echoing off of the wood floor. I looked up to see who was coming. Suddenly a little girl, about two years old, with curly blond hair and fat rosy cheeks, darted around the large pillar at the edge of the pool. Before I could say anything to warn her or slow her down, she stepped on the edge of the glass covering the pool.
I sat there in shock as the glass tilted and the little girl lost her footing. I could see the panic on her face as she struggled to hold onto the smooth glass. She slid into the crack between glass and the floor and the water swirled around her.
By the time I reached the edge of the pool she had already sunk to the bottom. I could see her as she flailed her arms and legs in a useless effort to save herself. I stood at the edge of the pool still holding baby Haley, not knowing what to do. I looked to my family in an effort to alert them to the crisis. They had seen what had happened, but seemed to be in shock and unable to move.
That is when I awakened from the dream. What a terrible place to be in, standing on the edge of that deep watery trap watching a sweet little girl drown and being helpless to save her, being faced with the choice of putting my baby granddaughter on the edge of that awful place while I jumped into to save the other little girl. How could I just stand there and not do everything in my power to reach for the child who had no power to save herself and how could I put Haley in harm's way?
That is why when I awakened the words were on my lips, “Help me!” “Help me!” Not me, but these two little girls. “Help me to dive in and reach deep and pull that child to the surface before hope is lost!” “Help me to protect my granddaughter so that she won't stumble and fall into the same pit!”
I closed my eyes and tried to go back to my dream. Maybe I could rewrite the ending and change the outcome. It was no use. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was the little girl's face as she desperately looked at me to save her as she slid off the glass and into the water.
Many times over the years I have had dreams that have influenced my life. I haven't looked at them as being prophetic or an omen of something to come. More like something to think about. They've changed my thinking about certain things and in changing my thinking they have changed my life.
I interpret different things in my dreams as symbolic of other things. Kind of like a visual language. Some of the symbols in this dream were easy for me to understand. Such as the large and spacious room. For me that symbolized the Earth and my time here. I was a visitor just walking through. It wasn't my home. I was interested in exploring and learning about the things in the large room, and I wanted to share that with my family. Especially my grandchildren. I suppose that I was excited to see the things that were ahead of me; that's why I was ahead of my family.
The room off to the side represented the spiritual blessings available to us while we are here on the Earth. They belong to our Heavenly Father, and if we want them we must purchase them by living the commandments. The blue dress was for a special occasion. The color blue to me signifies Eternity, Truth, and shielding protection like the shielding hand of God. The things like rich and beautiful things in the large room were there for everyone. Like the Earth itself and the things of the world.
When I saw the things in the smaller room I didn't want to be there without my family, so I turned back intending to find them and bring them there.
The layers of glass walls that divided the large, dimly lit room from the brightly lit area seem to me to be a classic symbol of the veil that divides this world from the world to come.
I thought my emotions interesting when the little boy ran past me and through the glass doors and into the bright area. At first I had the feeling that he wasn't supposed to go through the door and I called to him to come back.
As I watched him go through yet another glass door and never look back, my view of him became distorted by the distance and by the walls of glass. When I saw that he ran to, and was embraced by people dressed in white, I knew they had been waiting for him. I was left with a peaceful feeling, that he was where he was supposed to be.
In the area of light there was no place that was not filled with light, and there seemed to be no boundaries except for the glass walls that divided the place of light from the dimly lit room where I was.
The boy's grandfather wasn't necessarily any one individual person, but more representative of a past generation who followed or watched over the boy and cared about which way he went.
The large pillars were part of the foundation and they held up the building, or this world. They were the laws, the rules, the commandments. When the way becomes narrow and we step out around the pillars that hold everything up there might be pitfalls in our way.
The pool was a pitfall, a hazard along the way. The glass covering the pool was falsehood, lies and errors in thinking, to step there unsafe. If we can see through the glass then we can see into the depths of the trap. That is why we need discernment. We need to listen to the Spirit to help us see through things we may not be sure of.
Even baby Haley didn't necessarily represent my little granddaughter, but my children, my grandchildren and my future. I held her close to my heart, protected her, shared with her the beautiful things that I saw and tried to teach her. When I was faced with the terrible choice to put her down in an unprotected area close to danger, I could not.
The little girl who ran around the pillar and fell through the crack between the glass and the floor had no one to hold her up, to teach her or protect her. No one came after her.
Most of the time dreams are just dreams and I forget them but this time I could not go back to sleep. It was about 5:30 on a Thursday morning. Thursdays are my days to work as an ordinance worker in the St. George Temple. It is about a two hour drive from my home to St. George Temple and, as much as I love working in the Temple sometimes it can be a long day so I got up and got ready to go. As I drove, I thought about the dream, trying to make sense of it.
The dream continued to bother me every time I thought about it throughout the day. Who was the little girl? Who would save her? How could I save her? Why didn't someone else see what was happening and jump in? How could I stand on the side of that deep pool and watch as she struggled to live? If I jumped in, could I swim deep enough to rescue her? Every time I thought about it I got the chills and felt breathless all over again. How long did she have? Could I rescue her in time? Would I be trapped too? If I didn't do it, who would? Who will? What did it all mean? What was I supposed to learn from this?
One of my assignments that day was to spend an hour in the Celestial Room, the most beautiful and sacred room in the temple. In the quiet of the Celestial Room, I again pondered the meaning of my dream. I wondered who the little lost girl could be. What did this dream mean to my life and what was I supposed to learn from it.
After my assignment in the Celestial Room I was assigned to help by standing in as proxy for the daughters of families who were being sealed together in the sealing rooms of the temple. There was a couple who had brought in the names of a family to be sealed together. The wife explained that they had found a family where the mother and father had been sealed together, but none of the children had been sealed to their parents. As the names were being read I was amazed because the family names were the same as my mother's family name. The thought came to me that these were like the little girl who had fallen through the crack between the floor and the glass into the pool. They had fallen through the cracks and were lost souls who had been rescued and were being reunited with their families. I was filled with a warm feeling and a knowing that this was true. The family had searched for their family members, reached through and pulled them up with the saving ordinances of the Gospel, available only within the walls of the temple.
I left the temple that evening with a grateful heart that I had received a new insight into the state of the lost and the love Heavenly Father has for his children.
Still I thought about the little girl. Who was she and why had I had such an emotional feeling about her falling into the depths of the pool? Why was it me standing on the edge of the pool? How could I be of help to her? How could I rescue her? What was I supposed to learn?
The next morning I told my sister I would be able to work for her. She owns a small sandwich shop and needed my help waiting on customers and serving food.
It was early in the day and we weren't very busy. The only one there besides my sister and I, was my mother. She was sitting at one of the tables waiting for my dad to come have lunch with her.
The sandwich shop is an old building that my sister and her husband have restored and saved from many years of neglect. It has a comfortable old feeling and there's a sweet spirit about the place. There are six small tables with benches where people sit to enjoy their meal and along the front wall are large plate glass windows that look out onto the street.
As I was going about my work I looked up just in time to see a transient, or a man that my grandmother would have called a Hobo, walk off of the street and lean his heavily laden bike against the front of the building. The minute I saw him, I knew. . . I knew that he was the focus of my dream.
He walked in the door and straight to where I was standing. He said, “I'm homeless and I'm hungry.” I don't know if I even let him finish what he was saying. I asked him to sit at a table and he chose to sit a table in the middle of the room. I brought him a bowl of soup, some crackers and a pitcher of water. While he was eating, the missionary elders came into eat lunch, as they often do.
I couldn't help but notice the contrast between the homeless young man and the missionaries. Where one was dirty and unkempt, the others were bright and clean. The homeless young man seemed to be invisible to everyone in the room. He sat with his head down, his clothes, hair, and skin all seemed to be the color of dust. His clothes were bleached from many long days in the sun and he looked years beyond his age.
I felt like I was in that dream standing on the edge of that dark,deep pool. I walked over and asked the young man his name. He said “My name is Mike.” I asked him where he was coming from and a few other things. Then I said, “Mike this is my mother,” knowing that my mother was a friend to the down-trodden and friendless every where she went, all the while remembering that in my dream I had called to my family to help the little girl at the bottom of the pool.
My Mother smiled and shook Mike's hand, but soon my Dad came and they turned their attention back to their lunch.
Then I looked at the missionaries, the fishers of men, maybe they would see the invisible young man. They are good young men about their Father's business, but they didn't see him.
I took Mike another bowl of soup and asked him if he would like a soda. He looked at me with an apologetic look and said “I have no money.” I said “I know, but would you like a soda?” He paused for a minute and then told me he would like a Root Beer. I took Mike the soda and then went back to my work and as I worked I thought about the dream.
I knew that the little girl who had fallen through the crack between the glass and the floor represented Mike. I wondered what my Heavenly Father would have me do. And why I had this dream.
After Mike had finished eating he walked back to the kitchen to thank me for his meal. When I walked out to talk to him, I asked him if any one had ever given him a Book of Mormon. He looked at me as if he didn't understand. I asked him again, “Has any one ever given you a Book of Mormon?” “I have a King James Bible,” he said. “If I give you a Book of Mormon will you read it?” I asked. He looked into my eyes as if he were trying to see what my motives were.
I said, “ Mike, I've had a dream about you. You have fallen through the cracks, and there are people who care what happens to you.” His eyes filled up with tears and he looked at me for a long moment.
I found him a Book of Mormon in a box on the counter. The Missionaries left them there to be given to people who asked about the church. I opened the front cover of the book and wrote, “Mike, your Heavenly Father loves you and cares what happens to you,” then signed my name.
It was if we were standing in the light. I could feel the love that Heavenly Father had for Mike. It may seem odd that the symbol of a little curly haired, rosy cheeked, two year old girl who fell into a watery pit would apply to a homeless man with long hair, a sun-baked face and dirty clothes, but in that moment all of the earthly stains and sorrows were washed away and I saw Mike as Heavenly Father must see him. One of His beloved children, loved as a little child.
I don't know if this experience was for me or for Mike. I don't know if Heavenly Father put me in Mike's path to help him, or Mike in my path to help me. I do know that in my dream I had decided I couldn't stand by while that little girl struggled on the bottom of the pool and I hope that I will be able step up and do something even if no one else does.
I don't think that a couple of bowls of soup and some crackers were enough to save Mike. But I do know that the Savior Jesus Christ lives and loves each of us and cares about where we are going. He gave us the Gospel to show us the way back home and the Book of Mormon has changed many lives and been a life line that has reached through the cracks and pulled many lost souls out of the deep, just as it did five generations ago for my Great-grandfather, Warren Marshal Johnson. He was homeless, ill and left by the wayside by companions who didn't know if he would live or die.
It was through the kindness of strangers that he was found, fed, and nursed back to health. They gave him a Book of Mormon. He read it and it changed his life and it pointed his posterity to the path that has been marked to lead them home.
By Connie Goulding
Oct. 2011
